I Want To Let Go
by Emmi.Hayes
Summary: When Shuichi Minamino finally passes on Yoko takes some time to assess the situation. A collection of one shots after the death of Yoko's human side. Short, simply and sad in the beginning. It will get less angsty as it goes.
1. It Feels Like Giving In

It Feels Like Giving In

It was a dark day in Makai. That was quite a literal statement, for the sky had decided to take on a dark hue of purple for the last few days. A kitsune, vested in silver, stood alone and looked upon the gloomy land. He felt so empty, so dead; something very hard to do when one was in the Makai. The air was still pulsing with powerful life and it still filled his lungs with its succulent, averring presence.

But Yoko felt hollow. He felt heavy.

He had felt hollow before. He had for a good three days after Kuronue died. Then it got manageable. He placed Kuronue into a tiny box in his mind and set it on a special shelf so he could move on with his life. He'd never felt heavy before. Not like this. It'd been a good month now since the heaviness set in. And now, stepping out into the open air of the Makai after two months of seclusion, it didn't help.

The month of hibernation did little to prolong the occasion. And the second month did nothing to make the fox feel better.

He was finally alone.

His human was gone.

Shuichi was dead. Faded. Silent.

Yoko knew it wouldn't be long after the boy had been unable to hold his human form for any period longer then only a few minutes eight years ago, but he had hoped that he had more time. Yes, the human boy had been granted a much longer life than his race normally had, but Yoko had stolen his entire life from birth. Was it worth it? And to be stuck within the fox for most of the last twelve years of his life- Yoko felt sick. Shuichi was at rest now.

Now, Yoko wanted rest. He knew he couldn't hide in his den forever. He was showing a huge lack of dignity by staying locked up so long. It'd been a month of rest trying to keep Shuichi alive that his friends, and it made him smile weakly to be able to truly call them his friends, had accepted; but he knew even Koenma couldn't keep them away for much longer. He guessed it must have been a battle to do so for this long after announcing his human's death. Botan had tried so hard not to cry as she passed sniveling through his den to collect their beloved red head. And Yoko had tried so hard not to look at her, or his ghost. He didn't want to remember him that way.

But now it had been a month they'd start to worry.

Hiei would give him space for the most part. When the smaller demon would finally approach him the fox knew it would be with a gruff word. He had been quite fond of the human. He was one of the few who truly understood the situation Yoko and Shuichi had been in.

Kuwabara, rest his soul, would likely make a trip back with the old woman to give his condolences. He was truly Yoko's third favorite human, topped only by Shuichi and his mother. For Shuichi, and even the lovely Yukina, had seen the boy was indeed quite smart. Yoko was very respectful of the human's insight and loyalty. It had been a shame to lose him.

And Yusuke, on his third term as Makai king, would use that as an excuse to give the fox space. Yoko knew when the time came he would turn to Yusuke for the most support. His king would take it all quietly and offer what Yoko really needed; simply a listening ear and a warm smile.

Yoko took a deep breath. He breathed in the powerful spice and ozone of the Makai air. He felt no lighter, but he felt no heavier.

He could manage that. He could survive if he didn't get so weighed down that he would drown in himself.

Yoko hated that he was being so weak. He and Shuichi had discussed so much in their last months together about this. Yoko had promised to move on, and he wanted to respect the boy's wishes, but it was hard.

Yoko just lost his little human, his kit, his family. Was it wrong to love yourself? Because Yoko readily admitted that he loved Shuichi. He had raised the boy since birth, and they both had grown for the better because of the experience. And now Yoko had lost the only person that really, truly knew him.

Shuichi knew everything and accepted most of Yoko. He was Yoko's host, his child, an ally, a friend, an equal. And in a very deranged way, he had been a lover.

They were never truly together, but they had never truly been apart either.

It felt wrong to put Shuichi into a box like he had done for Kuronue. The human life had shown him a new, more vulnerable way of living. Damn emotions. Damn caring. Maybe he should have just died in that damned forest all those years ago.

Yoko paused at that thought. He knew that wasn't what he'd choose if he had it to do again. Shuichi would have been born without life if he hadn't come along to take his body. Shiori would have been devastated, and then she'd loose her husband after that. Yoko scowled to think of his savior being so hurt. He was so fond of that human woman, and at the moment with his emotions so raw he might even admit to having loved her as a mother as well. If he could go back and do it over, he would still pick the path he had. He knew Shuichi would have wanted the same thing.

No, Yoko had to be with Shuichi. And now he had to be without him.

So he would move on, taking the loss as a punishment for escaping death. He would keep going with his life as the human would have wanted him too. No matter how defeated he felt about it.

* * *

><p>AN: This is part one of a three to four part series about how Yoko might handle the death of Shuichi. This is short, and it's choppy. I want the writing to reflect Yoko so don't expect a lot of change. I plan to keep each instalment around 1,000 words though so far I keep going over a little. I felt there is some OOCness, but then I believe Yoko would be shaken enough by Shuichi's death to be OOC. Hopefully it isn't to bad. I thank you for reading and would be very honored to get reviews!<p>

Yu Yu Hakusho is property of Yoshihiro Togashi and FUNimation, and I claim no rights to the show, characters, or any of the amazingness they entail.


	2. It Feels Like Starting Over

It Feels Like Starting Over

Eleven days. Eleven days out of the den and Yoko was doing quite well. He was eating and bathing and killing on a healthy basis. He could do it, it was easy. It was just so lonely though to be so alone. That was quite a funny concept, Yoko decided; at least for himself that is. Before he had joined with Shuichi the fox had always been alone. He was a solitary creature by nature. Sure he had spent some of his time with others, and had gotten to know certain individuals quite well. He had never really given them all of himself though. Not Yomi, not his lovers, and not even Kuronue.

Speaking of the old goat, Yoko was mildly surprised that he would be the first to seek out the fox now that he was out of hiding.

Now that Shuichi was dead.

But there he was, intruding upon Yoko's meditation. The fox had scented him on the breeze long ago, and he could have vanished if he had wished, but Yoko was curious to hear what his old friend would say.

"I thank you, for not running." The blind man said evenly as he stopped a few yards away from the fox. Yoko was perched on a large rock, admiring the nature around him and didn't turn to Yomi. "We come to give you our condolences." He said and bowed respectfully. His son, now tall and a hair more mature then he was at birth, mirrored his actions.

"It is a shame to loose Kurama." Shura said earnestly, one of the first times Yoko had ever heard the boy speak in such a way. "I was truly disappointed when you refused to show up at the last few tournaments, I had hoped to fight with Minamino again, he has always been a worthy adversary." Shura smiled brightly, still so young and optimistic it would seem. At least he wasn't so much of a brat. Perhaps Yomi finally beat some sense into him, though that was unlikely.

"Thank you for your kind words. Shuichi enjoyed sparring with both of you as well." Gold eyes narrowed and the fox took up a staring contest with Yomi. Well, it wasn't much of a contest. Yoko didn't like being so formal with Yomi, he knew him too well. "What is it you want?" He finally asked after the blind man made no move to blink any time soon. Or open his eyes for that matter.

Smiling, Yomi waved off his friend's defensive tone as if it were ridiculous to think he was seeking something. "Yoko, there is no need to speak like that. I am your friend. I am only here to offer my support to you in your time of difficulty. However, if I must have a reason other than that to visit you then fine, I'll come up with one." Yoko barely had time to role his eyes before Yomi started in, "Ah, here's a good reason! I would like to offer you a roll as my advisor. I didn't think you had any plans at the moment, and I know it's very soon of me to ask, you would be allowed to start whenever you felt you were ready. Wouldn't it be nice to spend time together again?"

Yoko grinned, amused by Yomi's persistence. "It would be, now that you're not so hot headed." Yomi returned the smile and nodded. "However, Shuichi was very clear on the fact he didn't wish to be your advisor. He didn't think that was the right path for us and I will honor his wishes. Besides, he was Yusuke's advisory during his second term, and now that Yusuke is king again I think it would look bad for me to take the job."

"True, and thank goodness for Yusuke deciding he had been on vacation long enough. If I had to sit through another three years of some idiot running the Makai I would honestly consider treason."

Yoko had to agree on that. "Indeed. He had only planned on a few years off, but then he remembered how nice it is to not have responsibilities and nine years turned into twenty seven." All three of them grinned at that point; their king was quite the predictable one.

"I believe I would have made a fine king, if Yusuke hadn't stepped back in this year. In a few more years I will defeat him." Shura declared with a feisty gleam in his eye. Yoko was slightly pained to see how closely he resembled his father.

"It will be longer yet, my son. But soon, soon you will be king. It is your destiny." Yomi sounded so humble. Yoko was a bit nauseated by it. Turning back to Yoko the sightless demon smiled and bowed his head. "If you will not come with me, what is it that you will do? It's been so long since you've been yourself my friend."

Yoko didn't know what he would do. He hadn't needed help before, but he knew with Yusuke as king he'd get away with all but murdering the mazoku himself. "I'm, not sure yet. I've still got a lot of thinking to do." The fox admitted and played with his silky tresses as he pondered his options. And let no one be mistaken, Yoko had all the options in the world. "I might spend some time in Nigenkai. Shuichi's niece passed on not too long ago, but his nephew is still alive. I might see how he's doing and help his family out a little."

Yomi nodded, "Shuichi would have liked that. I must say Yoko, the human has most certainly changed you. I find it hard to believe he is really gone. Some part of him is still inside of you, and he is bettering you still."

Looking at his feet Yoko had to grin, and then laugh a little. If only Yomi knew how badly he wanted to believe that. But maybe he did know. Maybe he was just that cruel. Or maybe he was just that kind. Yoko sighed a bit and quieted his laughter, "No, Yomi you're wrong. Shuichi was never this quiet. He is gone; all of him."

* * *

><p>AN: Alrighty, two down and two more to go! Our lovely little fox will be seeing Yusuke next. I felt a little weird with this one, since it doesn't really show Yomi and Yoko's relationship after the betrayal in the anime. I'm still trying to get all the books. But I could see them coming around to be civil to each other's faces, they were best friends after all.<p>

Also, this is set around 130-ish years after the end of the anime if that helps clear up any confusion on the time line! Thanks so much for reading. Feedback is greatly loved!


	3. It Feels Like Waking Up

It Feels Like Waking Up

You can't hide forever. That was what Yoko had been telling himself nonstop for the last month now. He wasn't literally hiding per say, but the fox wasn't fooling himself. He had yet to decide what he would do. So far he had only done a few petty pickpocket jobs and killed a few demons for being bothersome to him.

This was not the life of the infamous Yoko Kurama.

Yoko Kurama led a frivolous life; and while he was secluded from the demons around him he did partake in social gatherings and often found disposable company to entertain him for a time. But it wasn't like that now.

The fox sat bored at the all too familiar table that was much too large for his friend. Yusuke didn't need such a grand castle. It wasn't what he desired, but it came with the crown. Yoko knew he was running out of time though. Yusuke had invited him to dinner and he would be showing up soon. The king would expect some sort of answer form the fox when he was questioned on his future.

Yoko just didn't know yet. He hadn't expected life to be so dull after Shuichi passed on. He knew it would be less interesting, but this was unimaginable. The fox was playing with his fork as it shined in the light when Yusuke burst into the room and slammed the door in Hokushin's miffed face. "Yoko, thanks for making it!" He smiled as he sat near the silvery man.

Yoko was pleased when his king became quiet and collected. The boy had matured nicely over the last century. "It's good to see you. I've been worried, it's been hard on us all since we lost Kurama, and I can only imagine how hard it has been for you. You know I'm here if you ever need to say something or anything." Yoko nodded and smiled a little. And here it comes. "Do you have and plans for the next step?"

Shit. Hm. Well, say something. "Actually, I was-"

"-because I'd like to offer you a spot as my advisor, to be honest." Yusuke rushed on with a grin, and Yoko had to smile a little too. "I don't mean to insult ya by asking you to come to work right after all this happened! I just figured you'd like to keep busy." What was it with everyone wanting Yoko's advice? Did he know something that they weren't letting him in on? Was that possible? The fox admitted that he was pretty damn good, but this was a little ridiculous. "Besides," the mazoku continued, "the Makai ran so smoothly when it was in Kurama's hands last time. I figure if I keep an eye on its wallet it'll do great in your hands too." He said elbowing the fox in the ribs.

"At least my reputation still precedes me. Though no matter how hard you watched me I'd take the land for all it's worth right under your nose." Gold eyes narrowed slyly and Yoko felt good to threaten the boy with promises he could easily keep.

The younger demon laughed at that, knowing it to be true. He quieted and his eyes regained some seriousness. "Well then, do you have plans? Or am I your best offer?"

Yoko sat there a moment, staring the mazoku down. "While you are not my first offer, you are better than previous ones to date." The fox admitted, delighting in the deflation of his friend and king. "Calm yourself, it was merely Yomi." He waited and Yusuke took the bait.

"Damn! You're all hiding up in the mountains and an old blind goat still manages to get to you first! Well that's not fair." He muttered and motioned the serves forward as dinner began.

"Yusuke, Yomi knows me quite well. You know his sightlessness does far from hinder his capabilities." Yoko stated evenly, though he always enjoyed getting Yusuke riled up. He let the serves place dinner before his lord before he moved to touch his own platter. The fox grinned to see Yusuke still kept close to the 'no humans on the menu' rule. His urges had easily had to set in by now.

"Hm, yeah. So, are you going to take up his offer? He's been after you two- er, you for a while now." The king finished quietly. The loss of the fox boy's human counterpart was still hard to grasp for Yusuke, especially since he hadn't seen his redheaded Kurama in years.

The king's chocolate eyes were held by the bandit for a long while as he waited for a response. Yoko shifted his gaze and shrugged elegantly. "I have not decided on what I shall do, but I won't be joining Yomi any time soon. I am not one to be trapped and controlled. And I have no intention of letting Yomi be in power over me." Sliding his stare back to size up his king the fox smirked. "Though, I know I wouldn't feel caged here. I will need time to think over your offer. I don't feel I am ready just yet to tie myself down to a serious job. Shuichi may have enjoyed playing your secretary, but I have little interest in such affairs. I'd rather be productive for my own gain, not yours." He offered honestly.

His king was understanding and cleared his mouth before talking. "Eh, I knew it was a long shot. You didn't seem like the kind of guy to be making my plans and sending out invites and what not. But it would have been great to see Yomi's reaction if I went to discuss border control with you at my side!"

Yoko chuckled as he picked at his dinner. It was wonderful and satisfying, like he knew his life wouldn't be if he agreed to Yusuke's offer. "Yes, I would enjoy that too. Though, I'm sure that any comments Shura would make would out do my old friend's quiet anger." The two laughed and reminisced over the rest of their meal.

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad after all. Yoko had been asleep for a long time now it would seem and his dreams had been riddled with sadness. If he kept his eyes open to the decent things in life Yoko could see himself possibly enjoying it again.


	4. It Feels Like A Brand New Day

It Feels Like a Brand New Day

Blue skies were a nice change the kitsune decided as he gazed up at the vast sky. He had missed it much since the Makai sky had decided to take on a mostly red demeanor the past few hundred years. That was something Yoko had never expected to happen in his long life. He, the legendary bandit, would miss the living world sky.

But he had, and he was glad to be back under it finally.

"You're soft fox. I could have killed you three times already."

"I've known you were there. Do not take the absence of speech as an absence of knowledge, Hiei."

"Hn." The jaganshi descended from his perch and stood beside the taller demon. "You're quite pathetic you know." He stated after a while.

Yoko smiled, he had expected this. "Perhaps I am. Though, you are torn about this as much as I am."

"Kurama was a good friend and decent partner." Hiei admitted, but left it at that. He still wasn't much for emotional crap, but he was getting better.

"Mm. He felt much the same about you, as do I to a certain extent." Cold golden eyes watched the marble and refused to look at the other demon. This was still hard, even if he had decided to accept it. "Go ahead, Hiei."

The fire demon nodded and moved to place the flowers upon Kurama's grave. The headstone was old, but it didn't show. They had staged Shuuichi's death decades ago. It had been laughable until recent years when the fox would see it beside his mother and real father's graves when he visited. All three along with Shuuichi's stepfather's were kept in perfect condition. Yoko made sure of that.

"You could have handled all of this better." Hiei stated after he rose to stand beside Yoko again.

"I could have, but then you're not one to talk." The fox looked pointedly at Hiei and rolled his eyes when the jaganshi grumbled.

"You've been childish."

"And you've been obtuse."

"I'm not in the mood fox." Hiei growled, tired of all of this. It wasn't his fault he had gotten upset upon the death of his friend. It wasn't his fault he had acted out when he had been shielded from the fox after the loss. It wasn't his fault that some of Mukuro's soldiers were just so damn annoying. She wouldn't miss them much anyway.

Yoko sighed and sent his silver hair dancing as he shook his head. "I'm sorry Hiei. And in other news, I've decided I'm done hiding."

Hiei was about to get in another snarky remark about how feeble the kitsune had been acting with all of his hiding when suddenly Hiei felt lighter. His head cleared and he realized what the fox had actually meant. "Thanks." Hiei muttered as he relinked his Jagan to Yoko's mind. The fox had been blocking it for over two months now and it drove Hiei crazy to not know what was going on. He liked to be able to know the ones he cared for where safe and well. Even if the only ones he really needed to worry for were his sister and niece, he made sure to keep tabs on the fox and the mazoku anyway.

"Consider it my apology for my recent behavior. You know what Shuichi was for me."

"I do." Hiei sighed and decided he had grown tired of the sad cemetery and the nuisance known as the living world altogether. "Any plans yet?" He asked even though it was a silly question. Yoko Kurama always had plans.

"Hm. Everyone keeps asking me that. Is my life so interesting? I admit I am quite the instigator, but honestly."

"Conceited fox."

Yoko laughed at his friend's displeased tone and though Hiei wouldn't admit it, he was glad to hear the fox sound so happy. "I'm not fully certain on my future yet, have an offer for me? Everyone else does. I've turned down Yomi and Yusuke; hopefully Mukuro isn't pining after me too."

"The bitch doesn't pine after anyone, you know that."

"Mm. She would like to have me on her side though, wouldn't she?" The fox allowed himself to grin when Hiei wouldn't deny it. "Well, I'm not too interested. I plan on seeing to a few things here before returning home. Shuichi's step brother fathered a few children and I plan to see that they are well before going. Then I think I should get back to causing trouble and what not. It is my nature after all."

"Hn. Kitsune are born trouble, you never got away from it."

"Should we take over the Makai, Hiei? That would be a nice occasion. It would rile up Yusuke, let alone Mukuro." The fox teased, delighting in Hiei's amused smirk.

"Yomi would have a fit to see you take him from his throne." The jaganshi admitted. "Though I can only imagine the headache Mukuro would bring when she found out I was off taking land without her knowing."

Yoko shrugged, "She's scared of me."

"You've got a large ego."

"And you acting like her errand boy strokes it all the right ways."

"Fox."

"Hiei?" The kitsune grinned and turned from Shuichi's grave. He was ready to go now. He was ready to start the next chapter of his life.

"Do you fear death?"

Yoko had not expected Hiei to ask that, but he had long since stopped being surprised by the random questions the little demon would often blurt out. After a moment of collecting his thoughts Yoko answered. "No. I feared Shuichi's death, and I fear yours, for none know me quite like you do. Perhaps I fear Yusuke's as well. Mine I do not. If I die, I haven't decided if I will find a new body or let myself rest for good. Depends on if my friends are still around I suppose."

"Hn."

"Do you?"

"Don't be stupid fox." Hiei chided as he flitted away to leave Yoko to his own devices. Living World really was a drag.

Yoko smiled a bit and looked back at the blue skies he once thought trapped him. Perhaps he would take over the Makai. Perhaps he would do it right under Hiei's nose just to show him he hadn't grown soft. Perhaps he would make his friend _his _errand boy. Or better yet, he might just leave Mukuro with power over the jaganshi. Now that would piss the little demon off.

Turnabout, after all, was fair play.


End file.
